Dealing with a SAHD

It’s been strange adapting to life with a stay at home dad.

Whilst I am generally happier at work, I do feel like things are slightly the wrong way round, and it’s hard not to be a control freak about things.  You know things like:

• Yeah I got locked out today when the baby was inside;
• I just left him with the neighbours for a few hours, he likes it;
• He was asleep so I left him in the car and powerwashed the pavement;
• I can’t watch him all the time, sometimes he’s in a different room

*sigh*

I have to let things be sometimes, but it is a challenge.

I also know how difficult it is to be at home by yourself, so I don’t go out much and struggle to leave work on time so that I can give the Turk some relief at tea time and beyond.

I definitely think that he finds it harder than me in some ways, multitasking isn’t a skill he has so he is really struggling to get anything done, which means that his default position tends to be making sure that the task is done at the expense of supervising Jem.

The upside to this is that the boy is definitely more independent than he used to be, his tolerance for entertaining himself has increased massively, as has his love of CBeebies.

There are some things he finds easier, he is much more patient than me, he takes the time to enjoy play when there isn’t housework to be done, I always feel that there’s something ‘better’ I should be doing.

There is no right answer, there are just words.

Returning to work – the plan and how it worked…

I am a domestic goddess…

I am a supermum…

I can handle ANYTHING….

This is my plan:

Now that we are a few months in I thought I would update you on how it’s going…or not…or maybe it is…

The first couple of weeks went really well, I left work on time, convinced that I would overcome the mahoosive workload pretty quickly, returned home, dinner was on the table and after the boy was in bed I prepared the next day’s meal.

The Turk took to housekeeping like a duck to water, laundry was done, he coped well with Wednesdays (the day he cooks) and after the first fortnight we had a fab first fun Friday (I have every other Friday off work) in the park with our NCT friends in glorious surroundings, sun, and wine 😉

 

My motivation did start to drop off rather, by week 4 the Turk complained that I hadn’t cooked a meal all week, I managed a night out and was staying late one day a week at work.  My formerly flexible employer who had allowed ad hoc working from home and provided a laptop was no longer so flexible.  My workload was as large as it had previously been, which I have no complaints about, but whereas I had always worked an extra 1-2 hours a day I was now pretty much restricted to my working hours, I work through lunch every day and was gaining about an extra hour a day but when I added in the much needed second hour I missed the boy’s bedtime.  By week 6 after finding out that I wouldn’t be allowed a laptop to work the additional hours at home I had my first ‘crying at work’ incident since I was a trainee.  I have no objection to working extra, it’s the nature of my job, but I had relied upon the former flexibility I had experienced.  I negotiated with the Turk that one day a week I will not be coming home and I will need to decide if this is to go out or to stay late at work, it seems fair to me, I know what it’s like to be stuck at home all day.  This relieved my mind somewhat but I still find the unfairness of the decision is so frustrating that part of me doesn’t want to do the extra work, although I know this will put my job at risk.

 

In the Turk’s world he is also finding it difficult, keeping up with the boy is tough particularly when he is so cleaning focussed and wants to do other bits and pieces – it is getting easier as he is able to entertain himself more and more but I know he finds it frustrating.  Jem has developed a real love of CBeebies over the last few weeks which I don’t know if I am entirely happy with having managed to entertain him without tv for the first 14 months…but I know how difficult it is to get anything done.

In short, it’s going pretty well despite the glitches.  I am spending far too much time in the evenings working on my blogs and not enough time cooking, doing housework or with my husband.  The Turk is spending far too much time doing housework and not actually playing with the boy (I’ll tell you about the locking out of the house incident another time).  He is taking him to singing once a week and playgroup every week though which is going really well, he let’s Jem be much more adventurous than I ever would and that’s great.  I don’t have it all, the house is still in the same state as it was in April, I am stressed about work and sometimes Jem misses me.  These are all solvable with a little more flexibility from my employer so I am going to keep working on that and not just give up, nothing ventured nothing gained…maybe I need to become a full time blogger lol!

Spending too much time together

Looking back on my maternity leave, my husband and I were very fortunate, although technically allegedly the Turk was rennovating the house, we were both at home throughout my 14 months.  For the first six months I found this frustrating, we never saw him.  I felt so alone.  We would hear him a lot, he would shout up the stairs “why is the baby crying so much, have you fed him?” and I would throw something at him…it wasn’t great…

He worked so hard that at 10pm in the evening I would have to go and find him and beg him to stop work and come to spend some time with us.  Aside from missing out on valuable time with his baby I really needed some support and company.

After Christmas 2013 the momentum on the money pit lessened.  Our builders had disappeared with our money leaving us in an incomplete house so it was just the Turk working on the rennovation, he had lost a lot of motivation and so spent more time with us “preparing to do work on the house” and less time “actually doing work on the house”.  This meant that we spent a lot more time together as a family, admittedly mainly traipsing around DIY stores or in front of the computer trying to work out how to fix the toilet.

This is a good thing…or is it?

I have to say for us it really wasn’t.  I think we spent too much time together, we started to bicker, and pick at each other.  Of course I think every couple does this when you have a new baby and not enough sleep, but to do this more and more as the baby was settled and slept more is a bit strange.  Suddenly my tactics for enforcing naps were questioned, someone else had a view and wanted to try putting Jem down for a nap.  There were two of us there at every mealtime – great – you might think, but actually that’s two people arguing about how much the baby eats, how much is thrown on the floor, whose turn it is to get the water and who left the bib in the living room.

Since going back to work it’s hard to hand over control, but I’ve had to let go.  We still try and have our evening meal all together and we have our weekends, but actually there’s a lot to be said for spending a little less time together.  It means we seem to bicker less, and we actually each have something different to talk about during mealtimes as we haven’t spent all day doing the same thing.  Yes we argue about how many nights out I really need, and why the housework isn’t progressing quite as well as I’d like, but I think we each now have a better understanding of the role of the person at home and give each other a little more slack than we might have done before.

Mid life nail varnish crisis…

I think I may be having a midlife crisis…

…the only symptom appears to be in my nail varnish collection…

…is that weird…?

I have always loved doing my nails, I aim to do it weekly, but when I was pregnant I rather gave up.  When my return to work approached I decided to start again.  I didn’t really need any new polishes, I have a great selection of neutrals and “appropriate” office colours, but I was off work at the time so I decided to get a couple of new colours…that’s when it all went a bit pear shaped…

I seem to have acquired purple, coral, 3 shades of pink (one of them fluorescent – fashionable perhaps, if you’re not a 32 year old lawyer) green (GREEN?!)

Seriously, when did I think I was going to wear these?  What on earth was I thinking…

*sigh* I suppose I can use them on my toes…people in the office don’t see my toes**

 

 

** that’s a lie, I frequently walk around barefoot in the office.  It’s not appropriate and I get told off a lot.  Perhaps I should just wear the green and then I’ll be known as “the one with the bad nail varnish” rather than “the one with smelly feet“.

Pick a Positive or Two – discovering things

Inspired by the lovely Life on Planet T blog I am again joining in the Pick a Positive or Two linky. This week I am focusing on our home:

1. We have a wonderful new bedroom suite…ok so it doesn’t quite fit as well as we hoped but it’s going to be fab once we’re settled into it.  It’s the first furniture we’ve had that isn’t flat pack, and having lived with second hand furniture and a glued together bed for a number of years it’s a huge achievement;
2. All our walls are built – this has actually been the case for over six months, but I’m still pleased about it;
3. Our house appears to be watertight (from the outside in…not yet from the inside in…);
4. We are finally starting to see things coming together and now I’m back at work we’ve been able to buy nice new things to go in our house (see point 1, above);
5. There is a good chance that the electricians may come and finish our electrics in the next week or so;
6. Ditto plasterer;
7. We’re very very lucky, we live in a 5 bedroom house, and our belongings fill it;
8. Whatever you think about the grey and dismal area I live in our home is less than 5 minutes walk from the tube and less than 45 minutes directly to work;
9. I love being able to pop out to the 3 local market stalls and buy our fruit and veg every day;
10. We live near 2 of the best Turkish restaurants in London (important when you’re married to the Turk).

Counting our many blessings, particularly knowing how many are living in appalling conditions both at home and abroad.

Pick a Positive or Two – discovering things

Inspired by the lovely Life on Planet T blog I am again joining in the Pick a Positive or Two linky.

This week I am focusing on finding things…potentially in a slightly ironic way, here are some of the things I found out this week:

1. I found out that my Oystercard was under the rug in the lounge…a day after buying a new one;
2. I discovered that people at work are looking forward to me coming back…I know this because they have contacted me and told me;
3. I found a bargain knitting book at the supermarket for £1, it’s baby knitting things…although it did make me realise I haven’t actually knitted anything for Jem yet myself;
4. I found out that my wonderful cousin is on the way to buying her first house with her fiance, so happy for them;
5. I realised that the bedroom does fit in a wardrobe and looks pretty darn good;
6. I found out that my son is far cleverer than I realised, he found one half of a container in his toy box and realised that the day before he had left the other half under his changing table, he went and retrieved it, I was impressed.

Pretty good week (not mentioning the disaster that has been my planning journey to “having it all” but I am working on it 😉 )

Pick a Positive or Two – returning to work

Inspired by the lovely Life on Planet T blog I have decided to try join in the Pick a Positive or Two linky.  I haven’t really done one of these before so the timing isn’t great in terms of when I like to post, and at first I thought it was something I wouldn’t be able to manage this week, but when I narrowed myself down to one thing to think about it was a bit easier!

 

This week I am focusing on my imminent return to work, it terrifies me on many levels, but on the positive side:

1. I will finally have some baby free time;
2. I am really looking forward to having a reason to get dressed and showered in a morning even if I do have to get up an hour earlier than I used to;
3. I think it will do our relationship a lot of good to have some separation, living and “working” at home together for 14 months hasn’t done our relationship any favours;
4. I am looking forward to chatting to adults regularly, about non-baby things, like work and stress;
5. I will feel like I am getting some of my old self back;
6. Our son will get to spend lots of time with his dad;
7. I will be able to focus on “quality time” rather than dealing with all the boring bits;
8. I will be earning money, something we have missed over the past six months!
9. My job is relatively stable and secure;
10. I actually have the benefit of doing a job that I enjoy.

Silent Sunday 10