I’ve always struggled with a poor opinion of myself, since having a baby it hasn’t taken much to either spin me off into a tantrum or tears…either way it’s not ideal and I would like to have a bit better grip on my emotions.
Admittedly sometimes it’s acceptable, being sad about the following is understandable:
- watching Oxfam adverts;
- your cat going missing, even if they turn up the next morning (because one day the worst could happen…);
- hearing about bad things on the news (especially if these involve children).
Sometimes it’s right to get mad, acceptable causes of red mist include:
- the Turk referring to the need for him to look after our son about one evening a fortnight when I do voluntary work as babysitting;
- people who waste food;
- people who try to get into lifts/buses before me and the buggy have left the lift/bus.
But sometimes it’s not really acceptable, a few weeks ago a man walked virtually into me (making me shift my buggy and my lazy backside) grumbling that I was going in through the exit at the supermarket (for the record I wasn’t, it’s one big opening…in and out…it made no sense) and I had to bite my tongue to stop me kicking off big stylee in front of (a) my 10 month old and (b) the potentially crazy old man and (c) the 30 dodgy looking yoofs hanging outside Morrisons…so I stayed quiet, then promptly burst into tears when the Turk met us inside the store.
A couple of days ago I got my first negative feedback on eBay (with hindsight I can see some of the points being made but relatively unfair criticism) and I actually had to fight back tears. Why does it matter? I will never meet this person, who cares if they don’t buy anything else from me there are thousands of other eBayers and all I sell are old clothes and shoes, it’s just a way to declutter, not my sole income. But this interaction did make me realise just how close to the surface my emotions are at the moment.
It’s a bit like having permanent PMT, which always leaves me on a knife edge. I was very emotional during pregnancy but thought that this far on I would have settled back down to “normal”.
So I’m going to attempt to change it, when I was a child my dad used to send me potty by talking about how all issues could be solved with a positive mental attitude (“PMA” he would shout up the stairs as I stormed off…).
Tomorrow I am going to have a positive day, I will not feel rage, I will be the bigger person and rise above anyone who riles me. I will not shout at my baby when he pulls out my hair or bites me, I will instead calmly distract him with toys or breadsticks. I will not get annoyed at the Turk when he leaves plates in the sink rather than the dishwasher or turns up late for every meal. I will not be sad about the news, I will think instead about what I can do to help the situation. Charity adverts will not disturb me but move me to pick up the phone and donate…giving me warm fuzzy feelings.
Yes, I am turning a corner, I will no longer have attitude (or an ugly crying face)…I will be positive…
Just for one day mind.