I thought (after all this time) I should give you some background as to why I chose the name.
Pre-baby I was possibly the most organised person in London, my to do list was the talk of our team, it was a work of art. There was nothing I could possibly need that was not contained in my handbag. Admittedly I missed the occasional deadline, and life happened, but ultimately I was prepared for everything.
I was also prepared for having a baby. I had been early to every appointment, lost gallons of blood to numerous blood tests. My handover note at work has been re-written a dozen times just to make sure that should I go into early labour or develop pre-eclampsia no one need panic.
I had been to NCT classes and pregnancy yoga, although my birth plan was simple I had actually an answer for EVERY potential eventuality. The Turk had been prepped (ok so he hadn’t listened but I’m not a miracle worker) and I had 4 different bags to take to hospital, one in case I went in early (which I did), one for the actual labour, one for after the birth and one with extra stuff in case I had to stay in more than 12 hours (they were all needed…although lots of stuff got lost and the Turk had literally no idea where anything might be)
Then it ended.
I was not prepared for:
- my birth not going smoothly;
- (despite what my birth plan said) being on the actual labour ward rather than the birth centre;
- the baby not wanting to make an appearance;
- poo all over me;
- lack of sleep;
- inability to breastfeed easily;
- an internal examination 6 weeks after giving birth;
- There are lots more…but I think you may have the idea
So that’s where it came from, since I had my baby life has been a shock, I’ve been late, I’ve ignored most of my friends, I’ve stood people up, altogether I’ve been pretty hopeless. Despite my list of things to go in my changing bag I have been out with no wet wipes, taken the baby out with no toys/water/cardigan on several occasions and found myself in the rain far from home…wearing cheap plastic flip flops. In short I am unprepared, there’s no other word for it and much as I hate it I feel I will just have to give in and embrace the chaos.